Suprises and the first of many lectures.....

When I woke again Anakin had brought Lisette to the hospital wing.. Force I didn't know what to say , but I was so happy to see her. We played all afternoon before I had to settle down for some sleep. While I was scrubbing off the dirt on my face I made a shocking discovery.. I lost my right eye in the fight.. The new one I had was cybernetic.. But looked excactly the same.. no doubt with some help from Anakin.. but anyway..

I knew the lectures were comming that much was bovious. Now that I thought about it., I felt like a complete and utter fool for doing what I did, but my motives were true and pure. I was not seeking self glory or wanting to be a hero.

I only wanted to protect those I cared for from something I had caused. I guess you could call it cleaning up your own mistakes. Maybe if I had said something to the council about what happened that day 11 years ago they would have been able to help me and this would not have happened.

" they would not have helped you" Catia whispered. " You would have been thrown out in disgrace"

" how do you know that?" I asked.. I didn't know what to think or who to trust right now..

" I have seen it, and so has Hiei.. You did what needed to be done, pure and simple"

" But I feel like a fool.. I should not have.."

" No do not blame yourself.. if anyone this is my fault alone. If I had been stronger he would not have been alive. I had the chance to kill him , but my jedi training interfeared. Because of it.. you had to suffer"

I remained silent.. We were both right.

No sooner than I had said that Obi Wan walked up.. Oh great, just what I needed I felt low enough as it were. I'm grateful Lisette was gone for the moment. I didn't want her to see me like this..

When I looked up to see him, I was close to tears.

" I know what your going to say... " my voice cracked . I'd be damned if I was going to cry in front of him.

"do you?" he asked me, comming to sit in the empty chair nexxt to me" The counsel is most displeased with your latest actions"

I found my courage and strength before I spoke" I had to go.. " the look on his face made me loose all courage I had jsut gained. I would have prefered if he would've just yelled at me.. There are two people I cannot bear to dissapoint. Master Paradox and Obi Wan . I had dissapointed Obi Wan, greatly.. I could see it in his eyes.

I listened quietly to what he had to say, I wanted to say something but I could not. His last words caught my attention " Kick me out?" At this point I was so messed up I couldn't think straight.

He rose from his chair" think about what I have said"

I nodded " I will" my throat tightened. What was I supposed to do? When he left I broke down into tears and pounded my pillow. Maybe I was better off in the Rekai, not in the order. But I could not leave where I was now. " Doesn't he get it? I did this to protect them! I can't let people get killed because of my own screw ups and that's what would have happened! "

Now I really knew how Anakin felt. We are more alike than I care to admit at times.. there are days when I swear I could be his sister. I wanted to.. I wanted to.. to be able to find soem peace, to be able to go ahead with my life and not look back. " You will" a familiar voice spoke from behind me

I looked up. My eye was blurry and puffed from crying and my hair was a mess. There was Master Para. I tried to get out of bed to go to her but I fell getting my still wobbly feet tangled in the sheets. She helped me back to bed and held me as I cried. " Shh.. " she whispered" I know why you did what you did. But Master Kenobi is right.. This must stop. " She gently held me by the shoulders" you scared the life out of me child. I feared you dead"

" I'm sorry.. I'm sorry " I stammered unable to say anything else..

She hugged me and made me lay back in the mroe than comfortable sheets. " Sleep now padawan.. I need to speak with the council . It seems that some of them are being old stuffed shirts.. The only one that even remotly understands is Master Kenobi..

He was brought onto the council at the juncture of 2 eras.. Let me help you.. do not be too ashamed or proud to ask for help.. that is one of your weaknesses. Overcome that and you will become one of the greeatest jedi ever.. This I can tell you for certain"


I nodded and she left.. Lisette climbed up onto my lap and still.. I cried until I fell asleep. I knew they were all right, but I was so damn confused as to how I felt.. How could I tell them in a way they would understand??

Chow
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