Always something else

I''ve been up for a little while and walking around the infirmary. I'm still not allowed to leave the infirmary or go out to the gardens.. but maybe with a little cajoling that might be changed..
I can't bloody believe it.. they actually let me out of here for a half an hour to take a walk in the gardens below.. I suspect someone is probably keeping an eye on me so I don't run off, but who cares? I'm feeling too depressed to do much of anything. I just started doing kata out of habbit and in a few minutes I was sweating like I had run a marathon and near collapse.

I just sat there, staring ahead into space as my heart rate calmed down and returned to normal . The sun was sinking behind the trees and I could feel a tweak in the force.. A questioning like my own.. On a further bit of inspection I found out it was Anakin.. reaching out to him I left a small message in his head "You care who goes missing and why because this is your home, we are your family. Before you try to save the world. Save yourself from the darkness that haunts you anakin. Then you can save others. Before you can run you must walk, and before you must walk you must learn to crawl."

I don't know where that came from but I knew it was the soundest adivce I could give to Anakin at the moment. My mind and heart were in shambles. I was questioning every good deed I had done, everything I had known and loved. The wind howeled through the trees and blew my hair in front of me.. It had begun to rain and my hair was dripping onto the white robe I was wearing. Dark by now but I really didn't give a damn. I heard a familiar voice and looked up but wasn't believing what I was seeing.. Obi Wan was standing there.. but it wasn't him.. I don't know how to describe it.. it was like a hologram.. The errie blue glow kept me enraptured as the message played.
"If you are hearing this message then there is still hope. Go to the temple archives and look up the name , Ivan Holderin. Please.. We need your help.. I need your help. Phobia.. you are our last hope.. I will be near you always. Think about what - Obi Wan said, he is making sense. I know you are hurting.. You need to learn to trust and not be afriad to ask for help I"

Suddenly the image cut out and I fell to my knees gathering the little chip that seemed to be there into my hands. I didn't get in the slightest what was going on. I wanted some sleep more than anything. A part of me wanted to keep this quiet but I knew it wasn't the best idea. I would go to someone once I was feeling well enough.

As soon as I was back up in the healer's ward there stood Anakin a scowl on his face. Maybe that had something to do with the fact I look like a drowned womp rat. He didn't have the judgemental look on his face thank the force.. But still , the stress I could see the stress was getting to him . " Have you lost your mind entirely going out in this mess?" he asks handing me over to the healers . Once I was re cleaned, dressings changed , dried off, and a new robe put on me and put back to bed, Anakin came over to sit with me.. I am grateful for the company.. I swear if they keep me here another week I will go insane.

There was something he wanted to tell me.. I could see it .. " You know it isn't that I judge Pho.. force knows I can't.. I'd be a hypocrite if I did.. but I have to tell you.. when I read that letter.. I thought for sure I had lost you.. Obi Wan might not show it, but believe me he cares too .. you gave everyone a huge scare there.. I've lost so many people, I don't want to loose you too.. " he looked .. well .. human..

I reached up and gave him a one armed hug. " you won't Anakin. Believe me. .I am damn near impossible to kill . Between you, Obi Wan and Catia.. " I tapped my temple with one finger " It's bloody near impossible to hurt me.. But you know good and well, anyone raises a saber against you and I will have your back in a flash, chosen one or not, we are all only human. It's better to have freinds at your back than fighting alone"

We sat in companionable silence for a while before his com beeped and he left saying he would try to make it back as soonas he could once things died down. I made him promise to think about what I had said. Force knows I almost died to save them and I will be damned by the sith if I let the very darkness that haunts him take him from us while it is in my power to help.. It felt good to be able to something nice to help ease someone's mind.. Downside? I was alone again.. just great.. well back to my puzzles and books I guess.. they won't even let me have my Sonarstation 3 in here.. stupid healers..
Chow
Phobia