The curse of my family pt 5 ( words of wisdom,confusion of the mind)

" More news we have for you concerning your brother.. "

I sat indian style by firelight and nodded" Yes Master? The battle came out as expected.. I buried him under the cliffs. Though he caused us trouble.. He's still my brother. It's the one kindness I could do for him"

Yoda nodded" A kind heart you have. Much to learn from you a padawan would"
My eyes got big as saucers. A padawan? He was joking right? I had of course considered it but it really hadn't come up..

" Joking I am not.. Did you know about the dissapearance of Belda's Master CeCe Denowai ?"
I nodded " Yes Belda had told me of what she knew .. She is very upset by her disaperance. Master Yoda.. I know I should not pry.. but do you know where she is? I would like to be able to give Belda something of a straight answer"

Yoda chuckled and his grimer stick tapped on the floor" You see? a kind loving heart you have. Wanting to help Belda yes?"

I nodded ,a wry smile crossing my face. After all these years, Yoda could read me like a book. Well most of the time..

" Then I have a suggestion for you.. Belda is in need of a Master, at least temporarily until CeCe Denowai is found.. Would you like to become her master? "

I had to say, I was speechless. " Master Yoda, I do not know what to say.. Might I have some time to think on this? "

He nodded" The council will expect an answer upon your return then." The holo clicked out.
You're probably wondering ho this could happen since I have not been elavated to the rank of master yet. Well it's in truth because of the war. The masters are fighting and dying out in the field. For every one sepratist they loose 50 take his place, for every Jedi master we loose, no one take their place.

So now I had heard rumors of the council waving the requirment in some special cases that a knight had to be a master before they could take on a padawan. A surplus of knights and a shortage of masters.. It was the only reasonable soulition.And besides this would only be temporary until her master was found and returned safely. Maybe Yoda wanted to test me.. maybe this was all a big joke.. I really didn't know what to think..

I sat back on my hands by the fire, my head spinning.. ME becoem a master? Even temporarily? I had to admit.. The idea did sound appealing to me.. In just 2 short days Belda had become like a daughter to me.. though I didn't want to admit it. I looked over t her sleeping figure curled up near the cave wall . I wouldn't give my answer to Yoda and the others without speaking to her first. She had as much of a say in this as I did. I figured I would speak to her in the morning.

I was just about to dirft off whenever a cold wind blew the fire out and a darkside presence filled the cave. I was on my feet, my saber ignited in a few short seconds. I could make out a ghostly figure by the light and it's hands were reaching out for Belda!. Remembering the few short lessons I had learned in astral casting I brought my saber down on the ghoul ansd it dissapeared. I hurriedly reignited the fire and I was able to see Belda. Her knees were curled to her chest and her eyes were wide in fear. " i-is he gone?" she asked me, her lower lip trembling slightly.

" Yes he's gone.. That was Phantom Evil I take it?"

She nodded, and then burst into tears. All that night until she finally fell asleep, I cradled her in my arms, doing what I could to comfort her. She was scared and rightfully so, it takes a lot of power in general to be able to astral project. This was one powerful sith.. and then a thought occured to me.. could it be.. Darth Sidious?

All that night I stayed awake, I turned this condrum over and over in my head. by morning's light I had decided that yes .. If Belda would have me as her master, I would take the council's offer. If she would not, then I would still help her defeat Phantom Evil, but I would tell the council no.

Just then Belda stirred from her pillow, which happened to be my shoulder. " Morning Belda.. You feeling better? "She seemed a tad bit confused then nodded. " Belda.. you know Master Yoda called last night right? Well he had a question for me .. and it concerns you.. would you like to know what he asked me?"
As she rose and began making things for breakfast I stopped her" Let me.. go grab a seat and I'll tell you what he asked me"

She headed back over and took a seat on the blanket that had been abondened sometime before.. I think she had thrown it off whenever she got up that morning." What Master Yoda called me about is .. well you" I really wasn't sure how to say this, because I could feel that she missed CeCe geatly. It had caught me off guard too when I had first heard to be truthful." He asked me if I would like to become your temporary master.. At least until CeCe returns.. "

I stopped working and I turned to look her straight in the eye" The decesion is yours Belda. I wwill not force this on you. if you say no then my answer is no. If you agree then I will tell the council yes. The only thing is, Master Yoda expects an answer upon our return to the temple. We are leaving possibly later today. I need to test my strength to see if I am ready to go back. or not. There are some things that the council wants brought back that I found from Granta's collection.They are dangerous artifacts and I will not leave here until I am strong enough to transport them on my own"

Belda nodded solemly and I turned to watch the skies for a while. A tightening in my heart and suddenly my thoughts were pulled down a most unexpected path.. I was wondering if he was okay.. if the council was giving him grief. I hated to admit it.. I really did.. but I missed him.. I missed the temple.. I just wanted life to go back to normal.. Hey waitaminute! Who was I kidding.. life was never normal for me. I heard Catia chuckle in my head " You got that right.. Force Pho, I wish I could make things diffrent for you.. If I could , I would do it in a heartbeat.. No spells, no enchantments.. I'm sorry..I'm not much of a freind am I?"

A single tear slipped down my cheek" It's not you Catia.. I know you would if you could.. But some things just are not meant to be. i just have to content myself with being a freind. No matter my own personal feelings on the matter.. Simply put, Jedi do not have feelings like that..

"I will not , can not admit my feelings. They are foolish and besides.. He's much too good for me"
I could hear Belda padding up behind me. " Are you allright Master Deimos?" she asked, sitting down next to me. Not even looking at her I nodded. She would not understand what I was feeling. In fact I half expected her to crinkle her nose in utter disgust at such an idea.I removed a small holo clip from my belt and pressed the activation button.

It was from when I was younger.. I think maybe 15.. As a reward for our great work rewiring the temple computers and redoing the plumbing( Mace was too cheap to hire pros) Obi wan had taken Anakin and I to the carnival. It was one of the happiest days of my life. The sun was shining and the mantle of darkness that had ensnared us all in it's grip was millenia away, or so it seemed.

Force I could even recall the taste of the cotton candy I had that day.. It was lime flavored. I remember Anakin trying to steal it and I sent him flying into the dunktank. I'm not sure who laughed harder, me or Obi Wan. A time I miss, when we were happy, when we were free. I still carry one trinket besides this holo clip from that perfect afternoon. A simple necklace. No inscription. Silver with an emerald and a sapphire in each end. it held a pciture of him.. I know I should have gotten rid of it long ago, but I didn't have the heart. I still don't to be frank.

I turned to Belda and looked upon her with semi sad eyes" You have such beautiful light Belda.. So bright it almost blinds me.. you remind me why I still fight..I am tired Belda.. tired of fighting.. I have fought all these years for peace for everyone.. but I have not been able to find peace for myself. I hear the screams of those who have fallen under my saber. The stench of blood permeates my clothes, my skin, my mind..The screams of the dying haunt my dreams.. Glowing green eyes of fire, darkness all around me closing in.. A small jewel of light I hang onto.. but sooner or later that jewel will turn to blackness and all will be lost."

My mind is haunted by images of the future of what will become of my brother.. I do not know what I should do. So many choices.. It's like I am being blown like a leaf in the wind. I will not lie.. I crave his smile, his nearness, his presence like I crave nothing else. So much so it has become a drug to me.

I know I will not be able to keep it hidden for much longer. When that time comes.. I have made my choice.. I will travel through the portal one last time.. .. Sequester myself in the future where this secret cannot reach me. Take what I treasure most with me and never return. Even if I must live apart from Ivan.. I will.. I cannot let this touch those who I care for.. Wait! Leaving would hurt them just as bad if not worse.. I do not know what is right and what is wrong anymore..

Oh force help me.. please.. if I don't figure this out soon, this might prove to be the path of my ultimite destruction.. like it almsot destroyed Erifia...I know I am stronger.. or am I?
Til Later
Phobia